Not everything is within our control. But some things are.

I read something on social media this weekend that made me stop and think.

Talking about the number of Instagram Posts and TikTok videos telling women to go to therapy, meditate, exercise, journal, set boundaries or be grateful, one post writer said:

“There is something deeply cruel in selling women individual solutions to problems that are, very often, structural.”

This is a fair point.

We absolutely do live in a time of constant acceleration where more is expected of us than ever before, and with the growth economy, these expectations keep increasing. We are on a treadmill with our ever growing to do lists and can see no way of getting off.

All my children have grown up but I feel under far greater pressure today than I did when I was the mother of 8 young children and worked full time. Somehow then I had space in all the busyness to enjoy life and be happy.

There are many structural factors that affect the quality of our lives that we have little or no control over. Gender inequality. Economic pressures. Workplace expectations. Caring responsibilities. The pace and demands of modern life.

We mustn't pretend that mindfulness, journalling, setting boundaries or gratitude, on their own, can solve problems that are structural. But I also don't think that recognising structural problems means we should give away the agency we do have.

We can hold both things at once.

I can recognise that the world is not as safe, fair or supportive as it should be, while also asking: What is within my control? What choices might make my life healthier or more meaningful for me? Where do I have influence?

Going for a walk, getting enough sleep, leaving a situation that doesn't feel right, asking for help, changing a relationship, saying no, seeking therapy, making time for things that give us energy and joy — none of these things fix the systems around us.

But they can change something that is within our sphere of influence: our own lives. And sometimes the smallest changes cost nothing at all.

When I showed this post to one of my daughters, she commented (and said I could share this) that one of the things that helped her on her journey out of severe depression was recognising that there were small things she could control.

So she began with one small, achievable goal at a time. She started by making her bed every day—which, at the time, felt like a big thing.

Achieving that one small thing, day after day, helped her see that she could make a decision to do something and actually do it. And once she recognised that, she began making other decisions.

Agency isn't about believing we have complete control or an unlimited ability to influence the world around us. We don't.

It is about recognising that there is usually some space between what happens to us and how we respond. Sometimes that space is very small, such as in the example of my daughter. But actually, it often only requires small steps. We don't need to change our whole lives. We can start by noticing where we have even a little influence and taking one small, intentional step. Sometimes that is enough to begin shifting how we experience our lives.

We can challenge the systems. We can work for change. We can hold others accountable. And, at the same time, we can use the agency we have to make our own lives as healthy and fulfilling as we can.

We don't have to choose between recognising what is outside our control and taking responsibility for what is within it.

Both matter.