In a recent post, I suggested that thriving is not the absence of struggle. The people who thrive are not necessarily those whose lives are free from difficulty, but those who develop the awareness, skills, relationships and habits that help them navigate challenges without losing themselves in the process.
In her memoir (“A Hymn to Life”), Gisele Pelicot said an extraordinary thing:
“My entire life had fallen apart. But I was fine.”
Few people will ever experience the horrific betrayal that Madam Pelicot experienced, and yet she was able to say at the time that she was fine. This is a remarkable response and a perfect illustration of thriving in times of challenge.
This raises an important question. If thriving does not depend on having a life that runs smoothly, what helps us sustain it when life becomes difficult? What helped Madam Pelicot?
When we encounter challenging circumstances, our attention naturally shifts towards the problem, the loss, the pain. The things that sustain our wellbeing are the first to disappear. We stop making time for relationships that matter, put aside activities that give us energy, and postpone the things that bring meaning or joy until we get through this. Often we are exhausted and simply cannot find the energy.
Yet these are often the very things that help us navigate difficult times.
Maintaining thriving does not mean keeping every aspect of our lives in balance regardless of what is happening. It means recognising what we need to sustain ourselves and making intentional choices about where we direct our attention and energy.
Staying connected to what gives our lives meaning
When difficulties dominate our thinking, our world can become very small. We can lose sight of the things that matter beyond the immediate problem. Making time for meaningful activities, contributing to something we value, or simply spending time in nature can help us maintain perspective and a sense of who we are, even when other parts of life feel uncertain.
Madam Pelicot went walking. Initially she moved in with her children at their insistence. But she quickly realised that what she actually needed was time alone to heal. She moved to a quiet place of her own and walked and walked. Her children did not necessarily understand this need or her decision, but she knew what she needed and did it anyway.
She also leaned into purpose and contribution. In her memoir she said, “I think my mission was to give others hope that even after hardship you can rise again and choose happiness.”
Ask yourself: What still matters to me, even when life is difficult?
Pay attention to your energy
We also need to pay attention to our energy. When demands increase, our instinct is often to push harder, work longer and try to keep everything going. But we cannot draw indefinitely on reserves without replenishing them. Rest, movement, connection and enjoyment are not rewards to be earned once our responsibilities are complete. They help sustain our capacity to meet those responsibilities in the first place. Sometimes, maintaining thriving means doing less, adjusting our expectations or deciding what can wait.
Ask yourself: What is draining me, and what helps restore me?
Relationships matter too
Difficult times can leave us feeling isolated, even when we are surrounded by people. Having someone with whom we can speak honestly, share our concerns or simply be ourselves can make a significant difference. We do not always need advice or solutions. Sometimes, knowing that we do not have to carry everything alone is enough to help us find our footing again.
Ask yourself: Who helps me feel supported, understood or more like myself?
Focus energy where we have agency
Another important factor is recognising where we have agency. We cannot always change our circumstances, eliminate uncertainty or influence other people's decisions. If we try to change these things, we often end up running into brick walls - using lots of energy and getting battered and depleted in the process.
However, we can often make choices about how we respond, what we prioritise, what support we seek and what small step we take next. Directing our energy towards what we can influence helps us move beyond feeling overwhelmed by everything we cannot control. My daughter talks of setting the goal to make her bed everyday as an early step in her recovery from severe depression. It was one little thing she managed to find the energy to do on the first day and then the next and the next.
Dr Lucy Hone in her book about grief and trauma ("How will I ever get through this") makes the same point. She said, "When you're exhausted, even everyday actions can feel monumental. Focus on tiny, manageable steps....Be kind to yourself: notice what you have managed to do, not just your failings!"
Ask yourself: What is within my influence right now?
See the opportunity for growth and development
Dr Hone says in her book that as humans we are hardwired to cope and that the most common response to potentially traumatic events is resilience. As humans we are incredibly adaptable. She is unequivocal when she says following loss, “You will have good, purposeful, and happy days ahead.”
Even more than coping, many of us will grow as a result of traumatic events. The Australian National Survey of Health and Wellbeing suggests that 75% of adults will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime, but studies also show that only 8% go on to develop PTSD compared with about 60% who report post traumatic growth.
In these challenging times, be open to the opportunities for growth. Notice what is happening now, how our priorities are shifting. Reflect on what we need and adjust accordingly. The opportunity may not be to get back to our previous ways of living, but to discover a different way forward.
Ask yourself, what is this period of my life asking me to reconsider or do differently?
Allowing ourselves to be human
Perhaps most importantly, we need to allow ourselves to be human. Thriving does not require us to remain positive, productive, resilient or even cope at all times. It includes acknowledging disappointment, grief, frustration and exhaustion without judging ourselves for experiencing them. Sometimes, the most constructive response is to recognise our limits, ask for help or give ourselves permission to pause.
Thriving is not a fixed state we achieve and then maintain. It is something we continually tend to, adjusting our responses as our circumstances, needs and priorities change.
Ask yourself: What would it look like to treat myself with the same understanding I would offer someone I care about?
Holding onto hope
I wonder whether the pertinent question is not how we keep thriving when everything is difficult, but how we remain connected to the life we want to be living, even when some parts of that life are challenging or no longer exist. This is what Madam Pelicot did. Her life changed completely in just a few minutes, but she held onto what mattered to her and she never lost her hope in spite of the horror, never lost the belief that she will again experience happiness, and that “life always holds beautiful surprises” (from an interview with Madam Pelicot).
What is one small, intentional thing you could do today to help sustain your own thriving?
